When the world (and your body) is on fire

*Disclaimer: this post is VERY long and mentions politics and women’s health and maybe TMI. Dive in when you’re ready and grab a cup of tea.

How’s everybody doing? Remember that meme of the little cartoon dog sitting surrounded by fire saying “this is fine”. Things feel like that don’t they? They do to me. Especially right now.

The world

I’m trying not to get sucked down into a quicksand pit of negativity by reading the news everyday. I think it’s important to keep knowledgeable and not bury our heads in the sand but it’s also important to know what we can, and can’t, control. If you feel passionate about standing up for a certain political issue and have the means and background to do that, please do! But if you have been fighting for basic rights your entire life or are living without economic security and are just darn tired, well - you keep doing the best you can.

Sometimes we have to hand the torch off to those who don’t have that lived experience. That’s what I’m seeing down south. Those marches of protest (in my opinion) should be of a certain demographic because they are at less risk of arrest, violence, and detention. For the people most at risk there are other ways to contribute safely.

Before we pat ourselves on the back up here in Ontario we should take a look around.

Are we doing any better?

I suppose in some ways yes. But, our environmental protections has been stripped, our water is being sold and our public resources are being privatized. There’s a folksy good ‘ole country boy act happening by our Premier and there’s an American politics playbook being utilized that most people aren’t acknowledging.
Or people are being fooled.
Or they don’t care.
It could be all of the above. It’s hard to give a sh!t when you can’t afford groceries or your bills.

Listen, it’s not all as bad as it seems. Doom and gloom sells and positivity doesn’t. Not to say there aren’t some absolutely horrific atrocities being committed in the world right now - there are. But in amongst that darkness there is light. Those stories tend to fall into the cracks. I believe in the goodness of people. I believe that Mother Earth is preferential to balance. I believe humans have the potential to be compassionate and peaceful beings. I hope, I hope, I hope…..

My body

I thought I had arrived at this middle part of my life sort-of-ok considering what I’ve survived so far. Upon reflection, I think grieving for my Dad and Sister these past few years helped to disguise some things. But holy f*ck did it seem like everything hit me all at once. Night sweats. Lack of sleep. UTI. Hot flashes I didn’t realize I was having. I’m a moody bog witch and I don’t know who has it worse? My husband or me.

You may be asking yourself how I couldn’t know I was having hot flashes. Fair. Grab another cup of tea.

When I was 26 I wound up in the ER in extreme pain with what turned out to be an ovarian cyst. I actually had multiple but one was very large and so I was scheduled for surgery. They can’t diagnose which kind until they go in there and since it was large and had likely burst it needed to be removed. This was a major abdominal surgery (not laparoscopic) but was only supposed to take 2 hours from what I remember. I would be put under, operated on, then recover and go home. The surgery took more hours in the end because the cysts were caused by endometriosis. Fortunately, my ovaries were saved and the surgeon took extra time to remove all of the endometriosis they could find. They did some repair with my uterus too but I don’t remember what. It is a hazy time for me (my mom had died 6 months before the surgery and I was newly married to my first husband). After the surgery I was told about my diagnosis and next steps. In addition to healing for 6-8 weeks I would need to be put into medical menopause for a full year (Zoladex injections if you’re curious). If I wanted children I had to try immediately after that.

Medically induced menopause is nothing like natural menopause.

I will stress that to anyone going through either. And that’s why I didn’t know immediately that I was having hot flashes because they are mild in comparison to what I had when I was 27. Thankfully the remedy for both turns out to be HRT although I’m waiting for the approval for that at 50 yrs old. Oh the irony of taking Estrogel at 27 but not at the cusp of 51. Our healthcare system doesn’t make logical sense for women does it? And so, I am still experiencing my moontime but with the added spice of perimenopause symptoms. Managing both means I have to do a lot of rescheduling and not accomplishing all that I normally would. I live day to day now according to my wellness.

How any woman accomplishes anything in life at this stage is beyond me.

Women are taking care of children, homes, parents, grandparents, working, bleeding, not sleeping, are on a slow burn from the inside, experiencing GSM, feeling like they are in an alien body, and trying to keep it all together.
Somehow, with all of this, we are told we need to: exercise more, eat healthy foods, take time for yourself, meditate, limit alcohol, lower stress, eat more protein, take your supplements, lose weight, get more sleep blah blah blah.
You can’t out lifestyle a decline in hormones. You just can’t. It’s extremely good to do all those things, if you have any scrap of energy left in your bones - but if they don’t help, it’s not your fault. I keep saying that to myself as I try to do ALL the things while I wait for my MRT referral.

What I’ve learned in life so far is that we are all fighting a battle.

For some of us, it’s literally a war and physical survival. Or protesting for our rights. For others, it’s invisible or internal. I try my best to remember that and to be compassionate and caring when I encounter someone who is rude or impatient. Perhaps, for them, it’s their worst day. So, I try to give them grace. I hope I’m given grace when I’m not at my best too.

All this is to say that the world is on fire and so are some of you - me included. Do the best that you can. Turn off the news sometimes. Be kind. Get out into nature. Love hard. Support each other. Maybe those are the things that will help us to get though this together.